| Lyrics: | Ernie: (quietly) Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum, mmmmmmm.
(Ernie slips behind the chair and Bert looks over his shoulder too late. Ernie comes up at the top
of the chair then slips behind before Bert looks.)
Ernie: Bum-bum, bum, bum, BA-BUUM!
Bert: Oh, Ernie. (Bert goes back to his reading but Ernie continues staring at him through the
binoculars.) Ernie, what are you doing?
Ernie: Friend watching, Bert.
Bert: What?
Ernie: (takes binoculars away from face) You're my best friend, I'm watching you, Bert. (puts
binoculars back)
Bert: Why, pray tell, are you watching *me*, Ernie?
Ernie: (takes binoculars away) Oh, because I'm so happy that you're you and that you're the nicest,
kindest, most wonderful friend and that you're sitting there reading a book and that I'm just lucky
enough to be able to stand here and watch my good buddy read a book. (puts binoculars back) Pay no
attention, Bert.
Bert: That's very touching, Ernie, but isn't there something else you could watch maybe, huh?
Ernie: Oh, sure, Bert, I could watch birds or buses ...
Bert: Good.
Ernie: ... or TV ...
Bert: Good, why don't you? 'Cause I'm trying to read this book, see?
Ernie: Oh, because, Bert, watching my best friend is much, much better.
Bert: Uh huh, I see. (goes back to his book and tries to ignore Ernie but finally) AAAAAA! Ernie, I
can't stand this! I mean, you are staring at me through those binoculars and it's driving me
bananas!
Ernie: (takes his binoculars from face) Oh, oh, Bert, I didn't want to drive my old buddy bananas,
I'll just put away these silly binoculars. Besides that, I don't need binoculars to watch you
anyway, Bert. (starts staring at Bert, inching closer and closer until they're nose-to-nose when
Bert turns around.)
Bert: (puts up with this for about 30 seconds before exploding) AAAAAA! Ernie, will you stop it?!
That is no good either, I don't want you to stare at me, binoculars or not. I'm trying to read!
Ernie: Gee, Bert, you mean you're not enjoying having a friend just sort of stand here and think
how marvelous you are, Bert?
Bert: Well, no, Ernie, I'm sorry but, see, when someone is staring at me all I can do is think
about *them* being *there* ... staring! And I'd very much like to be able to concentrate on my book.
Ernie: Gee, I don't understand, Bert.
Bert: AAAA! I'll show you, here, take the book. (Ernie hesitates) Take it, take it, take it, take
it, take it!!! (Ernie takes the book as Bert gets out of the chair)
Ernie: Okay, Bert.
Bert: Sit down, sit down. (Ernie sits) Now, now *you* try and read, go ahead. (starts staring at
Ernie)
Ernie: (starts to read the pigeon book) Hmmm, okay ... Oh, gee ... (Bert looks at the camera, his
eyebrows shoot up and he inches closer to Ernie as he reads. Bert's nose is now practically in
Ernie's ear he's so close!) ... Wow ... (engrossed in the book and not noticing Bert at all) Hey,
Bert, this is a great book, Bert. Gee, thanks for letting me read it. You know, like I said, you're
the nicest, most wonderful best friend a guy ever had, Bert.
(Poor Bert rests his head against the back of the chair and lets out a heavy sigh as Ernie
continues to read. The closing music plays a brief riff from "Someone To Watch Over Me" as Bert
begins slowly banging his head on the side of the chair's back.) |
